3:34pm April 7th, 2015

sitting at my desk
nothing
I am devoid of any ambition
stuck chasing my last thought, hoping for a new solution

it’s become clear
my attention is the focus of my attention
a seemingly unsolvable conundrum to solve being that whatever solution I craft distorts the origin of my approach

it’s hard to explain the panic I feel
since it is omnipresent
I feel it has actually become me

everything is blurry, is it today,
was that last week?
am I writing this now, did I write this when I felt it?

I stand up and walk outside
terrified of someone seeing me leave
I am filled with desire
desire to think in an uninterrupted way

I find a bench
close my eyes
and admit defeat

this happened three times before
each time I had collapsed the same
my confidence slaughtered
completely slaughtered now

is this her?
am I still cursed?

it wasn’t even a question
of course

what did I do to keep her away?

I wasn’t speaking to her
I wasn’t dealing with her
how is she here?!

time got real slow right then
everything felt real different
nothing was tingling

I could feel time moving through me
making me feel like I was moving and talking
and being real

I can’t hide from her
she’s inside me
I am her and I am here to suffer
the thing that breaks me
is the fight

the pointless attempts to put her out of my mind
the curse is the result of a lack of acceptance
if I become what I hate
then I can grow to love what I am
I’ll never escape this
but I can learn to succumb to the full experience of me

so I layed there
got sloppy
let it focme ouat ome
i let whatever happne was supposeed to happenn n happpebn
if i amw hat she wantss
i am what she gets

it’s your turn nowyouu filthing fukcinc witch
wrtit whatever you wantt, i givbee you tottal colntrol:

.DS_Store